To my darling boy,
I couldn’t save you today. I couldn’t be there to hold you as the tears fell from your cheeks or make it all better.
Since you were a baby we knew you were different, I remember telling the doctor how hard it was to step into your world and how you wouldn’t let us in. The diagnosis of autism actually came as a relief in the end.
Things moved fast after that, school managed to put in place support, we learned how to communicate with you and how to help you feel safe.
However the one thing we couldn’t prepare you for is the heartache of watching your nursery friend now run off laughing with other friends as they look at you with pity, neither of you knowing how to step into each other’s worlds anymore.
Their needs and communication have now surpassed what you can offer and inevitably they have moved on.
You try and join in but it’s just too much, you cannot understand the invisible rules of making friends, it’s so hard and complicated and eventually you walk away lonely and heartbroken.
The world you were once a part of, the children you once called friends now moving further away as their understanding and expectations of what a friend is changes and you are just not able to keep up anymore.
I come up to you, I wipe away the tear and kiss your perfect cheek. I check my phone, no messages and just a Facebook update of a mum I used to spend time with, she is now busy with the other mum’s and it seems their children are all having a sleepover tonight and making cookies.
I silently say goodbye to yet another friendship and thank god you do not have social media yet.
I turn to you and tell you that I love you, that we will always be in this together.
I remind you that you have so much to offer this world, that you can point out the smallest detail in something that other people cannot see, you are loyal and focused when something interests you and because of that you will excel in your chosen field.
You rarely judge other people or get caught up in social expectations, you accept a person for who they are and would never lie or cheat them.
You are passionate, you live for the moment and despite common belief actually have the biggest heart I know!
But mostly importantly, you are unique and beautiful, and even the loneliest butterfly eventually spreads their wings and finds their place in this world.
In the meantime my darling boy I will always be there for you, we are in this together and I will always be your best friend.
I will help you understand this world and see the beauty within it.
I will teach you the things you struggle to see and together we will make sense of it.
I will forever walk by your side and you will forever have my love.
Love Mummy xx